I guess, today, I am frozen in thought. In fact, Bobby has asked me a few times if there was something wrong with me. I just can't seem to get out of my head. Questions and some answers are flowing through my head, but I cannot seem to arrive at a resolution. "Is this right? Am I doing this right? Is something wrong, does it feel off?" These and many others are plaguing my thoughts as I can't move or accomplish anything. I am just sitting here on my couch, with the dogs, thinking.
When we were first married, we were on point. We had such a clear and open channel with God's voice and urgings. We were, I was, ready to go whenever He called. I was waiting for that call to GO, to MOVE, to SERVE. I have been waiting, and waiting, and slowly stopped listening. The years following my time overseas, I felt passion and an urgency to get back over; to take my husband, the necessities and go somewhere else. I thought maybe God would change his mind, that the words He spoke to me in Australia may not apply. I'll never forget that message, "You can't do it overseas until you can love and serve those in your own home." I often thought maybe that meant God wanted me to love my mom and brother better? Did it extend to my church and my community? After 1.5 years of marriage, I'm certain that God meant more than just my immediate biological family. So why is it so much harder here? I've been told even Jesus had the most difficult time in his own town. That the peoples's ears fell deaf to what He was saying. Now I wonder, have my ears fallen deaf, have I been listening?
No, I have not. I have been busy working, trying to be a "good wife" by comparing myself to other wives, fantasizing over Pinterest ideas, occasionally volunteering at my church and slowly growing roots of complacency. That flowing channel of conversation, it seems to be dammed up. This is hard, a lot harder than I planned. It is one thing to be broken, and for God to show me who I am, what my gifts are, and to deal with my insecurities and fears as an individual...but a married woman, these are uncharted waters for me. I feel like I've been trying, fighting, and desperately swimming to keep my head above water spiritually speaking. As I read the blogs of my friends who discovered the same relationship and way of living that I had, that I thought I would still have, everything seems blurry. This is not the life that I thought it was going to be. I can feel the jealousy rising in my heart. Why do they get to pack up their cars and move across the US because Jesus told them to? Why are they overseas, discipling and fighting for justice? Why are they not held down and held back? Because they hear HIM. They are talking and listening, and they are following.
All I can think about is why have I not been talking, listening and following? What was I so busy doing that was more important than that? How do I get back there? As my fears rise, I can't help but think "What if I can't hear HIM like I once did and what if the gifts He gave me once, are no longer available to me?" Did I miss it? Bobby is serving God beautifully, and I am often in awe of the way he leads others and leads at the church. He hears God, and he follows. What happened to me? "Where do I go from here?"
Today, on my couch, I am frozen in thought.
XOXO Mrs. Frick
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